Dear Ellen Degeneres,
Thank you for being as amazing as you are. You are funny, your eyes are luminescent, you love fuzzy animals, and you love to help people. When I move to Pasadena I am going to work for you. You don't know it yet, but every day I am going to show up to your house, make your bed, clean your shower and give Portia foot massages.
hmm.... actually I will probably not do any of those things, because I do not want to get arrested. But this was a funny book, and a good read. It read like a lot of her monologues smushed together, but I love her monologues, so "it's all good!".
I don't know what I put that in quotation marks. Who was I quoting? Will Smith. I was quoting Will Smith.
Note to readers: Read this book, even if you think this blog post is creepy.